my grandma’s been stuck in an aol chat room since 1997

Suddenly there's a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Jailhouse Rock? You mean Alcatraz?

Full of negative vibes, instead of ice cream, logging on

You guys go out there and be the best cutie patooties you can be

Bartender, bourbon and RC Cola with two ice cubes and the liver & onions plate, please.

I’ll buy anything if it’s “space age technology.” I bought a skillet because of that.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

Maybe a tan will fix me

The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing you I might watch that show someday

Going to close all the curtains and pretend I’m in one of those houses that’s being moved by a big truck.

Running is the crystal meth of fitness

First date idea: we pretend to be river corpses

I AM INVINCIBLE

(full of ibuprofen)

Without being silly, life would be a mistake

Drugs are neato! Let’s eat marshmallows about it.

Painted a lot of fence today baby can you help me clean my brush

Who up washing their jugs

I ate a slice of pizza and an ice cream cone and fell asleep for three hours. I woke up like a baby in a stroller in the bright lights of grade school math night.

It’s not the blood and amphibian parts that turn me off magic potions; it’s the never being allowed to improvise.