Once I work out how to convert the thoughts in my head into actual, coherent sentences, it is over for you bitches.

There must be a better way to address the homeless crisis

Me coming up with the perfect Spanish restaurant/strip club:

'Tapass'

Yes, now please invest.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Nothing matches the euphoria of weighing yourself a second time with your shoes off.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

The universe is huge, but you make it small

Imagination is the escape hatch from the confines of reality

Parenting is a lot easier when the kids are in school.

Every song could use more f-bombs

You're almost as useful as a leaf blower on a windy day

I hope your last meatball rolls on the floor.

My not answering my phone is helping you to help yourself

There were people that went to see Midsommar on a first date

Being in a good mood is fucking weird.

I GOT MY STATE TAX REFUND GET DRESSED BABY WE'RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE

The older you get the louder your sighs become.

no matter how many examples that my wife keeps pointing out, I refuse to believe my kids get their stubborness from me

life is short so eat the cake, get the tattoo, punch fuckers in the throat.

Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.