Damn it sucks to admit that perception really is everything.

Them: 'A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it'
Me: *takes a nap

Schrödinger: i think the room you’re looking for is 2B. or maybe not lol idk

Shakespeare: 2B or not 2B ?

Schrödinger: what

Her: Ever wonder how the phrase “a piece of cake” came to be known as meaning “easy to do?”

Me: Maybe it was a Duncan Hines slogan trying to convince us bachelors that we could bake things.

You know when you try to highlight a paragraph from end to beginning and realize that your mouse is too close to the computer to do that?

That’s what I feel like when you’re around.

I dreamt I was the last one to pull up to a four-way stop sign. We all waited for someone to move for about an hour, and then we all had the notion to floor it simultaneously.

And this is why I refuse to be courteous.

You can’t find happiness in another person but you can find it in potatoes

I want the power to laugh like Roscoe P. Coltrane from the “Dukes of Hazzard.”

Back in olden times, there was always a random uncle who could do a swearing Donald Duck impression

Yeah but could Houdini take his jacket off while buckled up and driving on the highway

Real introverts cut their own hair to avoid small talk at the salon

Kyle Griffin Is anyone slightly surprised? Of course we’re here again 🙄

Omgosh wait ….. it’s Thursday!???

I've earned enough money during my lifetime to live rather uncomfortably.

Scientists found a California moray washed ashore. They said it died after a long eelness.

Dua Lipa sounds like what an Italian ballet instructor would say.

*vague gesture* All printers are arch villains. Everyone knows that.

You know Captain Crunch killed many a pirate in his days at sea

what generation do I belong to? context: I'm 300 years old and I like poptarts