Amateurs... I don't need a holiday to overeat Mexican food.

It's almost funnier when they don't get the sarcasm.

I just realized Cinco de Mayo will fall on May 5th, again this year... Weird!

I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach my charger.

not to be a mean girl or anything but the new canadian army logo looks like a moose taking the world’s biggest dump

Shoutout to the people who think that traffic can magically disappear after honking incessantly.

17 years ago today, on their 60th Wedding Anniversary, we buried my Mom & Dad.

The number of times I've thought I cracked my phone but it turns out to be a rogue cat hair is truly staggering really

Maybe the dingo ate your fried Babybel cheese pop.

Trying to pinpoint when copywriters decided “I am obsessed with” was the key phrase to use in EVERY SINGLE AD ON INSTAGRAM so I can go back in time and eliminate some copywriters.

I now understand why my mom used to whisper ‘shit’ under her breath so much when I was a kid

This is my emotional support queso.

Him: Hey, where did you put my…

Me: Allegedly!

Got me a stick!

Public opinion on laser blasters has shifted, according to a new study by the Pew Pew Pew Research Center.

I prefer my engagement farmed locally

Cheese makes everything better… So, I’m adding the word “cheese” to the end of every tweet.

І am getting a little tired of every avocado І get having the same wooden ball as the toy inside. They really should put different toys in there.

My workout goals are simple: I'd just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.