I don’t know why I do certain things, they don’t make sense to me either

My doctor said I should watch my salt intake, so I’m staring at my fries for a few extra seconds before I eat them.

Don't you fucking worry about how much caffeine I've had.

Hot chics in your area can’t find you because you’re an isolationist with sociopathy.

But maybe there's a different universe where I do make sense

the consultants said i need to brand myself and i’m like i wouldn't even do that to a cow

Any pan can be no-stick if I no-cook in it.

Going anywhere without ear buds is scary because some people think they can just talk to you.

different nopes for different folks

my anchor has a sailor tattoo

If someone closes the door, remember you can always jump out a window.

My whole vibe is “At that time it seemed like a good idea”.

If a turtle can get laid then so can you.

*Inspirational Tweet

Sometimes you don’t understand the rut you were in until you are out of it.

Who knew before Instagram that there was such a massive audience for watching pretty people pretending to be happy.

My math skills include trying to figure out how much of a problem I'm going to be.

Lying in the middle of the room in fetal position. Just step on me. Dammit.

A thousand things, a million things. One is sounding cheap and the other impossible. But what if a billion things told you that an eight passed out was true. Good infinity!!! And welcome to 'numbers exaggerate just like our coping mechanisms do.'

Is there anything better than having the house to yourself? NO. THE ANSWER IS NO.