OKAY fuck I guess the Rock is still around Jesus Fucking Christ

Alright I'm going to bed and i want this place cleaned up before i get back

As a matter of fact my mama DID dance and my daddy DID rock n' roll so how do you explain all my problems now smart guy

Planning my next heist

[taking Advil because i hurt my knee getting out of my car wrong]

I wish I was a stuntman

On my way to see your mom

This My Three Sons mom is way way too hot for Fred MacMurray

Ladies, if your boyfriend/husband asks you 'how was work,' just say it was fine

Only GenX would understand.

I’m too high for this
-Icarus probably

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

The mower of Christ compels you

“Maybe I should just move” me, every time I have to clean my house

Men establish dominance by seeing who can stand further from the urinal and still not miss.

Ladies, if I ever start a tweet with “Ladies,…” keep scrolling because any advice that follows will have zero value to you.

The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.”

Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference.

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

If there are no rat marriages we have to assume they’re all rat bastards.