imagine you get kidnapped with a stuffy nose and they put tape around yo mouth

I don't want a 'stable and rewarding career' I want to live in an enchanted tree house and play the pan flute near a babbling brook, fuck this 9 to 5 shit

Classic @BillBurr take on Kanye that aged well

pudding person The billionaires are all dueling eachother on who can lose all their money the fastest

2023 is just weeks away and I'm still processing 2017

there should be a toll-free number available for people who've suffered a minor, temporary injury. If I stub my toe, give me someone to vent to for a few minutes

Be careful out here 🙏 had two tickets to the dababy concert in my car , and someone broke in and left 3 more

Twitter employees showing their last button press
#RIPTwitter

PieGuy *grabs the Johnson and Johnson Baby Shampoo with its 'no tears' label on the bottle.*
'Speak for yourself' I whisper quietly

filling my pockets with mice while the Petsmart employees are busy with the fire I set

twitter lets you watch 200 years of leftist ideological arguments evolve, live, and die in 12 minutes under a tweet that’s like “I’d let the babadook smash”

If 'uncomfortable' was a picture

Do you open stop the microwave between one and zero like a secret agent defusing a bomb at the last second in the movies, or are you normal?

How have I not seen this before?

Ryan 🥣 everyone knows that if you drink too much sleepytime, a bear wearing a nightgown and sleeping cap will knock on your door, rifle through your belongings, and sell them on craigslist.

this place feels like a field trip bus ride right now

As Twitter and Facebook slowly implode, I know there's one person who will always listen to me: Jeeves

Old Head Energy Nas doesn't need features. Just be himself. Don't try to recreate the past, and don't try to fake a new persona. He's just gotta be him, and that's all.