jack off if i’m not too tired from traveling

what do you mean aged beef? all beef is aged, playboy

me: will i ever be pretty?
(closing my eyes and shaking the orb) please please please be kind to me…

magic ball: (jester hologram projects from its hole) thine doth remain a hog for many moons!

me: (chucking it at a rock wall) i loathe thee! (it appears in my palm again) gah!

showing up to every funeral in town and telling the family the dead guy owed me money

if an email starts with 'gentle reminder' i'm deleting that shit without reading the rest

doing the R2D2 scream at my cousin’s funeral

i treat every trip to the grocery store as an engagement in violence i go there with death in my heart and hell in my eyes

(poking a british guy i keep in a cage)

me: say something funny

british guy: come off it, mate

(shaking a can of beans at him)

british guy: ...privet hedge

me: 🤣

you can rip those self-checkout machines right up off of the floor and carry them out of Walmart no one will stop you

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. The person you are going to kill probably has a spouse or right hand man that will get in your way.

i’d be such a good dictator once i purged all my enemies and detractors i would only do good things that the people wanted (unless they were secretly my enemies and detractors)

most of my problems stem from the time a boat ran over my head while i was swimming in the reservoir

when you get a vasectomy your cum should turn pink so everyone knows it’s safe and friendly

if you get lost while hiking the best way to survive is randomly pick a direction and start running at full speed

forever souring communications with the whales by accidentally telling them to eat shit 36 times in a row

why are you as a man allowing a chef to serve you a meal that tells a story and inspires emotion

twitter post: tore my meniscus chasing a swamp hag

bluesky post: my dick and balls are all fucked up

linkedin post: On February 9, 1986 a streak of light ran across the sky above Flagstaff...