This shampoo says it repairs damage, but I still feel haunted by my past.

Are we sure it’s a spy balloon and not some elaborate gender reveal?

Be wary of the narrative that you should have some big splashy dream you’re constantly trying to make come true Living a life that allows you to be with the people you love and do the things you love with as little hurt as possible is a perfectly wonderful thing to want

The coolest thing about the emergency vet is when you have to decide how much money your pet is worth to you while crying in front of a bunch of strangers.

I’m convinced no one actually has a place to wear any of the fancy sparkly outfits that fashion brands promote for New Year’s Eve and it’s all just a lie being pushed by Big Sequin

Instead of dry January I’m doing why January in which I rehash all of the embarrassing things I’ve said for the last 45 years

Parenting is a lot like talking to an automated phone attendant. You're hopeful at first, but then just end up repeating yourself and yelling.

I just told my gay uncle I'm turning 40 in May and he gasped and said with such concern "Eli, no!" like this was a decision I was making. Like I had suggested I was about to dye my hair a bad color or cover my house in shiplap.

Why do we only associate resting in peace with death? I wanna be able to rest in peace while I’m still living!

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

please keep my cat in your thoughts tonight. she's not sick or anything. she just needs everyone's attention at all times including at night.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

A garlic crusher is not worth the hassle of cleaning the garlic crusher.

To the workouts for older women showing up in my social media feeds, F you, but also thank you these are easier.

Can anyone explain to me why every camp form asks for the contact information of my child's doctor? Call 911 if it's an emergency or else call me. What are you going to do—make an appointment for my child for next month?

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Some kids are just easier. If you don't agree, it's because you have the easier kids

i’m sorry but the scholastic book fair did not inspire a love of reading it created my love of shopping

Dear old people, stop texting “call me” unless someone is in an ambulance. - love, josh, a millennial

Can it still be an emotional support animal if the animal doesn’t want to participate?? Asking for my cat.