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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Our family crest is seasonal, with four different variations of a man sitting forward with his face in his hands.

The older you get the more you realize Oscar the Grouch is just Oscar.

I also enjoy magnets with inspirational quotes holding up my unpaid bills. “Hang in there” holding my pathology invoice.

Before you become a parent, ask yourself: Would I like arguing with a small version of myself EVERY DAY?

My husband and I are going away for the weekend. He just came downstairs and asked me if he needed to pack “restaurant clothes.” He is 55 years old.

The remaining Twitter users.

You will be visited by three ghosts. The first one is from the 1990s and will want to know if you want to switch long distance providers. You can tell him to fuck off straight away.

I miss how going to Blockbuster made watching a movie at home feel like an event.

Maybe it’s a spider bite. You don’t know.

My definition of going m.i.a. is still posting but just ignoring everybody

About to say Candyman in the mirror five times.

places you can stay for free 1. your lane 2. out of my business.

Me: bloody mary… Me: bloody mary… Me: bloody m— Bloody mary: I have a bf

Every snowflake is different, and we know this because you can read their tweets.

Come talk to me when your brain has more wrinkles.

Me: you pick Him: I like that one Me: not like that

I hope we all have a good death.

[cracks knuckles] time to be angry on the Internet

Byeee 2023 … I’ll be with Billy Joel to usher you out.