My book club kept on discussing "La Comédie Humaine" even after the air conditioning conked out. That was some sweaty Balzac

*pulling my pants back up at the eye doctor* me: apparently not all hindsight is 20/20

weird that it’s still burger king and not burger president

My dad was trying to think of an actress and his clue was "you know, from the dancing horse movie" The actress- Debora Winger The movie- Urban Cowboy Yeah idk how I got that either so if you're looking for someone who can win you game night, I'm your girl

if women are so intuitive, then why does my wife keep having periods despite my vasectomy?

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today? me: does sex count? doctor: yes me: then no

Over here throwing away old cords with reckless abandon because I’m not a dad

How loud do I have to blast the pop punk in this minivan to regain my youth?

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date. -me, forgetting your birthday

On a work trip, no family to speak of, scrolling thru channels in my room and automatically stop on "Blaze & the Monster Machines" cuz that's an option that usually brings peace

those crocodiles are crafty fuckers

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid? 8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside. *Both start laughing*

Not sure who wants to hear this but it’s ok to throw out the registration card and manuals of your old tube TV

When my kids beg me to get in the pool but then just hang out on the floaties

of course I know the four food groups

When my 3 yo cries, it upsets my 1 yo and he starts crying too. Then my 3 yo gets more upset and screams “It’s my turn to cry!” but actually if we’re taking turns, I think I’m up?

I have never seen Jets cause such devastation in New York on 9/11

[trick-or-treating] Lady in neighborhood: Ooh, an alien! What planet are you from? My 5yo: your anus! time to move