me: never have i ever been lied to by my wife so badly that i watched her give birth to another guy’s kid in a barn joseph: i will take this drink because i respect the rules of the game but i do not care for it

Hey sorry what is this

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor's driveway with a giant bow on it.

what was in thag yogurt…

sir, a second backshot has hit the congressional building

PAUL MCCARTNEY: “okay so what if” *hits blunt* “and HEAR ME OUT on this” *snorts a line* “EVERYBODY” *throws up* “lived on a submarine. and it was fucking yellow”

sharing my 1000 pet spiders with all of my friends but PLEASE GIVE THEM BACK WHEN YOURE DONE they have to be home by bedtime so i can tuck them each in and it takes a while so if you could actually return them before bedtime it would make it more convenient for me but no pressure

the scientists (my friend on facetime) have 5 minutes until the reactor core (me) goes supercritical (falls asleep in the middle of a sentence)

making my humidifier and dehumidifier fight a turf war in my living room

ate a gas station fajita before a 4 hour drive pray for me

this cat art from artist Danial Ryan is so beautifully unhinged I want every single one etsy.com/shop/TheArtofD…

the eyes are the window to tHE WALL, TIL THE SWEAT DRIP DOWN MY BALLS

a little high and started thinking about how fucked up names of US states are. nebraska is fucked up

clocking in to my job at the clock factory where they have my estimating the time based on the cool ass sundial

happy summer i started listening to a 200 episode podcast on the history of philosophy i’m gonna be so fucking annoying

was gonna have a couple beers to help me lock in but now i am just drunk and i still have a quiz to take by midnight