Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

I was so proud when my 12 yr old told me maybe I should use my Twitter account to make the world a better place so I hugged him and looked him dead in the eye and said, "that's not my brand Andrew, now go back to playing fortnite."

I have concepts of getting off this couch today.

It's taken a few decades but you've filled out those parachute pants nicely.

It gets kinda lonely, being unplugged from the matrix, so I get it

I only sent my kid to art class to get an ashtray

This could have been a Candygram.

🤖

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Snoop around in their medicine cabinet for clues.

I love the way my large dog whisper barks while pulling me away from the yards with elaborate Halloween decorations like, "Be cool and don't look over there but there are dead dudes that we need to get away from right the fuck now" Girl it's a scarecrow and a plastic skeleton

I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Hello, I'm Steve Minecraft and I'd like to tell you about Medicare Advantage plans

Somedays common sense prevails, but most days my crazy carries the day.

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Hardly ever does my heart consults my mind when making decisions.

The Little Mermaid is not a cartoon character. She's Ariel person.

Do you remember when you could find everything you needed at just one or two stores? How many different stores do you visit now to get what you need? I go to at least five.

Oh so you like a bad girl? *rips tag off of mattress*

Tuesday is the worst Friday ever.

My son is teaching himself smells like teen spirit on drums so my work is done here.