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(During sex) No, no… Leave the Davey Crocket raccoon hat on.

Sorry, I kicked you in the nuts, but to be fair, you did ask me what’s for dinner. Husband: …

Husband: Do you want anything? Me: Could you breathe less? Husband: I meant for dinner.

I just want you to know what I want without me having to tell you what I want.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Reverse cowgirl, so I don’t need to share my snacks with your dad.

I got fired from porn acting job for saying things like “No, I have a headache,” “No, I’m too tired” and “Fine, just hurry.”

Use your time wisely, take a nap.

Life was so much better before my eyebrows turned into high maintenance little bitches

Eating is a cure for sadness. Everybody knows that.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Sunrise so pretty it takes your breath away

No one ever tells you how often as an adult you find yourself in a huge rush to get somewhere you don’t even want to go

You can mess with me, but don’t even think about messing with my George Foreman machine.

Love really fucking does last forever but the fucking complexities of the lives we create will have some people choosing their fucking comfort zone

Garlic bread goes with everything … even cereal

We're now in a space where the USA is more closely aligned with Russia than Canada Kanye is a Nazi, mid faced Onlyfans girls make more than pediatric surgeons, and Elon runs a Doge department of government Yeaaaaah, it'll be fine

~Mutes all political tweets. ~On Twitter by myself.

I would be really good for your ego.