Amazing tits; ogre feet. Who want me.

About Harrison Butker's commencement speech, which episode of The Handmaid's Tale is it from?

I can’t stop thinking about how FUCKED UP this is. If you put a limb through the SLEEVE OF A SHIRT, the only thing you better put on that paw is a fucking GLOVE. The shoes go on the BACK paws. OBVIOUSLY

oh shit oh fuck

best accessory for a sundress is his hand around my throat

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back

My grandfather fought in World War II so I could hobble and complain about plantar fasciitis after jogging.

I’m no gambler.
So I don’t visit the casino,
buy scratch tickets,
or wear nice shirts when I eat wings.

Me as a zombie: Breaaaaaaaaad….

Me: Okay, it’s 8pm—do you want to do reading time or go drive around and listen to In The Air Tonight?
11: Uh, Daddy, I think you know.
Me *grabs keys*

parents: hey, can you do this very simple thing that will take mere seconds to complete?

kids:

Hearing through sources that Chris Kreider's neighbors and NYR fans covered his front lawn with hats last night for when he returns home.

No seriously, they did and it's amazing.

I live for moments like this.

My teen says he'd be fine driving a VW Beetle bc he'd know people are punching each other everywhere he goes and that's about all you need to know about that kid to know him deeply.

I don’t trust the government and therefore am anti vax because there is clearly an element of control and an agenda associated with a vax mandate and also nobody has the right to force me to get a vaccine it’s my body but I simultaneously believe the government is well

Once a relationship is done, there's no way I'm going back. It's a switch and that person fails to be attractive in any way to me anymore. But if you are one of those handful of really great kissers I've been with, the door will always be the slightest bit ajar.

“Bleach blonde, bad built, butch body” bitches better be quiet this summer cuz we coming with the alliteration for that ass 😂

The candidate on the left is driving you to the place you want to go, but much slower than you would like.

The candidate on the right vows to drive into a brick wall at 240 MPH.

There’s a third party candidate whose brain was eaten by worms.

HOW TO CHOOSE?!

In the 70s, getting concert tickets was confusing as hell.

“Who’s playing?”

“Yes.”

“Yes is playing?”

“No, Who is playing.”

“Look, after the doors open, who will be on stage?”

“The doors open at 7, and then The Doors open.”

“But who is the band?”

“The Band isn’t playing!”