Hey, I’m no side dish. I’m a main course as long as you really like hot dogs.

tell your wife to stop saying “rosé all day!” i can't handle that much joie de vivre

"Shoop" but it's from the perspective of the next man in the 3-piece suit

Remember what we say about coincidences—the universe is rarely so lazy.

Damn, he’s right. At these prices they WON’T last long. Close up Mrs. Schaumberger for me, nurse!

how to achieve the perfect "smokey eye": 1) apply mascara & eye liner yesterday

I’ve finally seen a great horned owl in flight; if you imagine a VW minivan w wings, that’s about it.

If anybody could have it. I don’t want it.

Well, ma'am, you've got yourself an infestation of Protestants. I'll set traps baited with potato salad dusted in paprika.

I am, in fact, a filthy degenerate

Just here to underwhelm the locals

"it doesn't hurt as much when women get hit in the crotch" You mean my pussy? Where my beautiful pearly clit is?

Anyone else given red tablets to chew after brushing your teeth by the school "nurse" to show what a shitty job you did brushing or was that just us poors at the parochial school?

*busts out the belt sander to clean the dried Rice Krispies off the side of my cereal bowl*

It’s my last night at the store. I’ll be very disappointed if no one shows up to worship me.

Girl who asks for magic and gets sawed in half.

Covering the photo of Laura Linney I keep beside my bed when I'm about to do something disappointing

My balls: a memoir

The whole gang is here! There's Doc (he's a doctor), Smoky (he's a chain smoker) and Larry Strange Balls (he has strange balls).

Stop tweeting like a jerk, you illiterate asshole.