Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people 'Thanksgiving' when they send me a recipe or directions.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

sixfootcandy True story: A coworker once asked if I'd seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, 'I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.' (I'm evil.) 😆

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like 'that was so easy, I will do this every day' and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?