“That strange man told you to calm down” I gently whisper into my bra.

Please, somebody marry me and take me off my hands

Glad I’m just the right shade of traumatized to not automatically be a Taylor Swift fan

If I was a woman I think I would either be a siren or a bog witch.

Inspector Gadget is the only defensible exception to ACAB

I’m sick of the govt putting lead and fluoride in the water… gimme drugs!

I was once happy and carefree… It was on August 27, 1988. I believe it was a Saturday. That was a pretty good day.

i was born in the 1900’s you’re going to have to speak up, child.

Every game you play, every night you stay

I'll be watching you.

I've loved pizza more than I've loved most men.

The name Ron is short for Wrong

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Your 2024 campaign slogan is:
Your name 2024, the last text message you sent

I’ll go first.

Rachel 2024, Seems fine enough

ZOOKEEPER: So this snake is 3.14 metres long

ME: *way too loud* A pi-thon

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

I told Satan “not today,” & scheduled him in for next Tuesday

Going to bed for the 14,600th time or so. Hopefully tonight is the night I figure out what to do with my arms.

Even Minnie needs a minute to herself sometimes

oh you LOVE the earth? Name 3 of her layers

You can’t use this kind of baby seat anymore thanks to the woke left.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.