I was thinking about getting a calf tattoo, but then I thought, do I really like baby cows that much?

As part of trying to be healthier, I bought a Fitbit today. I've taken 74 steps and 9 were when I fell down the stairs cuz my pants fell off

You know what you should do? That's right, you should have a glass of water. It's hydration time motherfucker.

Old lady shoes are SO comfortable. How are they so grouchy all the time? It's like they're walking on their own little pair of clouds. Omg.

Priest: those are honestly the best sins I've ever heard. No one else can sin like that. How do you do it? Me: [wearing Horny Idiot shirt]

13 says 'Alice through the looking glass' would be a great movie to watch on a trip and I don't think he has any idea how right he really is

This road trip brought to you by music of the Dirty South. If you're not shaking your ass, you're just not listening.

Personally I think any child that finds itself in an animal habitat should have to fight its way out. But I also played a lot of Donkey Kong

Tonight on Anxiety: Live. I think I have a tumor on my elbow

If the lady at table 55 doesn't order soon, I'm gonna punch her in the throat!

if i ask you for your ID when you order a drink, show me your fucking ID and don't be fucking annoying about it #serverproblems

54: This cheese burger tastes like beef ugh.Me: oh, did you want a turkey burger? 54: ugh no I said cheese burger, but it tastes like beef.

"Ugh. It's hot outside. What's it like out on your patio? #GTFOH #serverlife

54: I've got 4 coupons we'll be using today. (before I say hello). This is a chain restaurant, not extreme coupon.. Keeps walking #GTFOH

Sums up my life #blondeenough #girlproblems #sorrynotsorry

Me: can I grab a drink for you folks? 54: 1st tell me about your endless shrimp?!? Me: Sir, this is not Red Lobster!? #gtfo #serverproblems

Getting back together with your ex is like putting yesterday's dirty underwear back on after you've showered.