the two options for furniture in america are a $85 table made of spit and paper and a $4,485 table made of wood out of a tree that some one kissed every day

why use a shoehorn when you can hurt your finger

my water bottle has a cap i forget to open so every few hours i give it a little kiss

Q. i weigh nothing, but you can still see me. if you put me in a person, i make the person lighter. what am i? A. a butthole

i can't watch any 73 questions segments from vogue because the format too closely resembles porn

“Thanks everyone for comments on the draft, here it is revised with all your edits.”

For whom the doctor peppers

claiming boredom is a major self-own. how could i ever be bored, im with me

me trying to take more space in the world

Whenever someone doesn’t have a huge tv in their living room and it’s just a couch I’m like ok……………..

Hey stupid I’ll see you in court… the food court!! We are friends

i wrote about how friendship has evolved alongside the internet and how much i miss having booth friends. it's the first thing i've written in 5 years and i'm excited to share it! thegapinmyresume.substack.com/p/booth-friends

i never even considered dr. pepper could be a woman. maybe i'm a bad person

For halloween I'm going as an idea you had but didn't pitch fast enough and then saw a day later in your dream publication.

THE SCREAM BRO 😭😭😭

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in