I’m too smart to keep repeating the same mistakes opens twitter for the 4,400th day in a row

I used to get in mild trouble for “roaming the halls” at school which sounds like I kept going feral or something.

Some women don’t even know they can have multiple orgasms, till they’ve seen me karaoke November Rain.

Remember going to the pharmacy with your mother as a kid and for some reason you ended up with jelly beans?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but love isn't a replacement for honesty.

your dm group is more sensitive than a clit

I've grown a lot in the last 3 minutes.

Don't fuck with me, mate. I've got my denim jacket on. The one with rips in it. *cracks knuckles*

Accidentally bought the “kid’s size” masks so now I’m at work, basically wearing a g-string on my face.

The potty was decorated with the young lad’s favorite cartoons. Relieving himself in it felt like an unconscionable betrayal of his idols, yet his folks wanted him to do just that. It was hard learning the awful difference between the vanity of honor and doing the right thing.

Just for argument's sake, let’s say I agree with you that these berries are poisonous. HOW poisonous do you think? One to ten.

Love is just a chemical reaction in the brain that helps men & women tolerate each other.

be kind to the brain cells that show up in the morning.

I'm "thinking about getting bangs" depressed

The Jason mask stays on during sex

Today I will be merging into traffic so don’t tell me you have problems.

My eating habits, I aim for the sweet spot, right between Unhealthy and Hazardous.