You can just tell that the person who came up with the spelling for Wednesday was kind of a dick.

Mixing 1% milk and 2% milk to create the forbidden 1.72% milk

Imagine if we had to worry about dinosaurs too on top of everything else.

We just accepted air fryers and never once questioned how air fries things.

Wife bought something on FB Marketplace but she's afraid she'll get kidnapped so she sends me to pick it up from a guy who's wife sent him because she's afraid to get kidnapped.

I just took 18 pictures of a bird. Someone call the nursing home, I’m ready.

They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental so I thought about the gym really hard today

Step 1 of any recipe should be my husband stops standing in front of the drawer I need

you think it's easy being this goddamn positive all the fucking time

Me: drinking a single, lovely glass of champagne 12 year old who has been taking DARE: ‘are you enjoying your depressant’?

How do they know if an animal is extinct like did they really check everywhere?

Just got to the part in Mean Girls where they're doing their apologies and one girl says "Alexa, I'm sorry i called you a gap-toothed bitch" and my Amazon Alexa said "no worries"

My 5yo niece got bangs, so I guess she's going through some stuff

My emergency preparedness kit just contains all the ingredients necessary to make nachos

They should invent a medical system that helps sick people

Sometimes when I'm doing my taxes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just go to prison.

Car: omg check your engine! Me: oh no, what’s wrong with it? Car: fuck if I know.

The face you make when you're changing an overhead light bulb is the real you