Just ordered a bloomin onion at Outback Steakhouse and my waiter said “great choice, one hundred emoji”

I love saying “this is she” on the phone. Like yup.. that’s correct… you’ve reached the right bitch…

For my Gen X followers: Charli XCX (Charli) saying Kamala is brat would be like if Christina Aguilera endorsed Obama by tweeting he was Dirrty. Follow me for more Z to X translations.

There should be a chili cook-off in the Olympics

Americans will do ANYTHING not to use the metric system

Happy august to the people who live for the hope of it all

My favorite video of the Olympics so far is the cameraman for the trampoline gymnastics

"Do you have a minute to hop on a video chat?" Me, in work from home goblin mode:

in honor of it ends with us becoming a movie, here is a thread of the worst lines from colleen hoover's books in hopes that trees will stop dying for her terrible writing:

nobody will remember: - your salary - how “busy you were” - how many hours you worked people will remember: - if you hopped on a quick call - when you hopped on a quick call - how many quick calls you hopped on - how you made them feel when you hopped on a quick call

And you see this is the problem

i cannot buy oreos anymore they talk to me through the cupboard like the green goblin mask

how many killers are in that building omg

Guys if you’re talking about interest, it is “piqued”, not “peaked”. I’m sorry. This bothers me a little.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some. -Me, working from home. Alone.

the guy who just mansplained The Handmaid’s Tale to the author of The Handmaid’s Tale

I can't figure out if vaccines work or not. Tough one. I can see why RFK Jr is so concerned. Need Sherlock Holmes on this one.