Why in the fuck are cereal bags not ziplock yet?

My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

Not my raccoon, not my trash can

I’m a much nicer person when my outfit has pockets

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is emotional stability

My 9yo is pretty judgy about me not knowing current slang for someone who once thought there was a singer called Dupa Lupa

extreme heat warning: stay inside me, who is always very inside anyway: you got it

my wife agreed to stop spending money on non-essentials this month and so far we’ve saved 3 million dollars.

Just realized that showing my son episodes of Seinfeld is like my parents showing me episodes of I Love Lucy, and now I’m going to stick my head in the oven

If your coping method doesn't include sending unhinged memes to friends I don't understand you

My favorite thing DoorDash drivers do is to put my food right up against my storm door that swings outward so I have to climb out a window to get my McNuggets.

garbage disposal: *exists* tiny measuring spoon:

I bite off more than I can chew the same way I order more than I can eat.

Remember when this 😷 used to be our most frequently used emoji?

My wife did all of the driving on our road trip, but she did it from the passenger seat.

Having a sore throat as a giraffe must really suck

Stuck behind the slowest driver in history this morning on a road with multiple stop signs… My son 12, from the back seat: “What is he waiting for the stop sign to say GO?”

This can't be the same body that would stay up late for fireworks.

I do this bit when there’s a brief gap between the fireworks where I’m like “well I guess that’s all!”