Too young for a reverse mortgage, too old for a tree house.

[karate class] sensei: left leg forward octopus: *nervously sweating*

Real men are my favorite mythological creatures.

What is a soulmate and where can I buy one?

i am no longer the person you broke

Scars only show where you've been. They do not dictate where you are going.

I've let myself go to hell during this pandemic. My poor toenails look like I've been chewing on them.

I'd do a line of coke before I'd do a car line.

My disparaging thoughts are some one's eye candy

I want to be that grandma someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

Trouble and I were bff when I was a kid. Like we were scissoring we were so tight.

I try not to get political on here but ketchup tastes good on fried eggs and I can’t stay silent any longer.

I work hard for you all to ignore me.

I refuse to date skinny men. The last one I dated, the wind blew him into someone else's pussy .... twice

It’s been Friday the 13th since March.

Who the fuck decided on the spelling of phlegm?

She fell in love with a mailman, and got her box stuffed.

I need someone more adult than me to deal with today.

I need you to be spontaneous. Be predictable. I need intimacy. Give me my space. Load the dishwasher. Not like that. -marriage

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing. On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred. Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.