Life is exactly like sex inasmuch it’s the worst drudgery you’ve ever experienced, but then at the end, you get to die.

2016: if you come across a $3 pear, get it. It’s gonna be a good ass pear 2022: I’ve slain my family as you commanded me to dark lord. Lemme at them pears

It would be nice if more cops believed in reincarnation

Me, having any chest pain at age 30: oh no. I hope this isn’t anything serious Me, having chest pain now: ah. Fuckin finally

The gas station by my house sells decent burritos and Mexican Coke. See you all at my funeral* *i died from shitting myself to death

Pronounce testosterone like minestrone.

I was the religion teacher at Donda Academy and, guys, you’re not gonna believe this... 🧵

Went to turn in some fentanyl my kids were given while trick-or-treating and every cop in the precinct flopped like a soccer player

If the ads I’m getting now are indication, Twitter is about to rule so hard

I want the purge to happen so I can finally skate Victorian Square without a cop up my ass in 30 seconds

The Sparks Marstinka ™️

Went to watch Cats! on Xmas day on mushrooms. We were kicked out of the theater for laughing too much

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven, and then god, like immediately, let that chimpanzee tear off your face and genitals?

🎵Caution is a word that I can’t even spell/ C-p-4-x-i-2-L a word I cannot even spell🎵

Apocalypse Now sucks because it opens with a song by The Doors. There. I said what you were to afraid to say.

I’m just happy to see Eddie Murphy in movies again* *dont know if he got “me tooed” and refuse to watch to watch any of his stand up specials

For real, today’s episode of The Price is Right is all in looking for in a film. ALSO IN “JUST LIKE HEAVEN”?BY THE CURE The Cure AT ABOUT 3:09 IN THE SONG THERE IS, STRAIGHT UP, A FART AS A FAN FOR 40 YEARS HOW DID I NEVER NOTICE?!

I want to hear the Miley Cyrus cover of sweet child o’ mine. I sincerely think that would rule. Twitter, do your thing!!!* *fail so hard we know what it’s like to witness a supernova collapse into a black hole. I’ve been reading about stars my whole life son

My favorite part of every drug commercial is when the prescribing doctor tells the patient “maybe you should try to lose some weight before we consider a pharmaceutical course of action... okay?”

Would I like to go to the champagne room? Hell yes, but I’m gonna take my shirt off and let’s get those lights up. Here’s an article of what abnormal moles look like. I’m sorry I don’t have anyone to do this and you’re cheaper than a dermatologist. Then maybe we can hug or whatev