Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people's embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

i just took the presidential fitness test & got grover cleveland :/

A generous lover: going above & beyond the call of booty.

Obviously, I'm a monotheist, but it's the way we accessorize it.

Can't afford collagen powder, or a single horse, but i can afford more Elmer's glue than i could ever drink.

My gob has never been less smacked tbh

It's the 3-star reviews that give you the real story, Mac.

"Bob is coming over for dinner." Bob from work or Bob the erectile dysfunctional nudist? *there's a soft knock at the front door*

The thing about sludge is it can be fine / delicious but only if you don't know it's in there.

Signing all my emails "zipidee doo da" until my boss calls me into his office and asks if i've ever been with a woman.

I accidentally sent thoughts and bears.

Take a grievance, leave a grievance.

The word of the day is "gossamer." Tell your thin delicate network of friends.

"One headlight" is: - a song - a problem my car has - and the nickname of a guy who lost a nipple to a dog attack when he was 12.

trying to offer the cop a joint to relax his nerves after a harrowing police chase, but not being able to because of the handcuffs.

All eyes are bedroom eyes if you just bring em with ya.

A model's job isn’t easy. See that tiny cardigan she's wearing? She's gotta make me believe it's machine washable.

My band is called Dew Point. Our music is pretty simple but nobody really gets it.