They should invent a pope that fights crime.

you just need to let things go your honor

I choose... a secret, more powerful, third thing...

Pants! The most vertical of all prisons.

it’s not entirely clear who summoned whom

The CIA can't hack your car if you travel by horse.

staggering out of the bathroom, sweating profusely and announcing loudly to the crowded restaurant "sorry if you heard me lose my shit in there".

Her: You swore you were done conquering! Me: I am! She angrily pulls the sheet off the table to reveal it's a map.

I've inherited much of my worldview from my grandfather who would swallow stones because he liked his stomach to hurt

yall be eating hot dogs for the shape or the flavor

my friends tell me im tony but tbh i don't feel very tony whatsoever.

babe what's wrong? you've hardly touched your pussy primavera.

God gave me 4 fists because he didn't want your sinning ass punched twice.

my uncle gave me a crash course in driving and never walked again.

diarrhoea that's so syrupy you clog the neighbors toilets.

don't be greedy. 900 cals a day. 800 from broccoli.

finding curly black hairs in your pocket burrito but you're bald

Grind down a vampire's canine teeth and all you have left is an albino fuck machine.