Cramming a band's whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

the eclipse has hit the reflections on my disco ball

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as fuck

Me texting my christian friends: I hope you guys have a great Easter! Jesus is back, baby!

Me texting my ancient Roman buddies: Hey dudes I know this is a tough day for you, let me know if you need some space today. You'll get him next time for sure though, I know it.

Me: But what about the time I saw 8 huge claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: Omg I saw that too. I have no idea what that was. I was so fucking scared.

Today I got hit by a car and mildly concussed and the first thing I did when I got into the ambulance was ask the paramedic if she saw Madame Web

wow. my heart is broken tonight. just imagined a guy in the Quiet Place universe committing suicide with a kazoo

endless cycle

be pissed if i were a whale. tf do you mean i’m the size of a school bus and my diet consists of tiny shrimp. at a restaurant like i’ll have the krill. yes please 3 million of them

“Time is linear” not for rideshare apps. Your driver is arriving in 3 minutes or maybe never. Be ready in 14 minutes and also he’s outside right now

resting facial expression of a dog that’s just been kicked

printed out this tweet and taped it to Thomas’s door so he never forgets getting obliterated online

so awesome when your cat sits down to watch tv with u but sometimes they get too locked in and you worry like idk if this is good for ur development little man

I can't believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn't realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn't have brought Wolverine.

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