fell asleep first at the sleepover and everybody took sharpies and marked all the plastic surgery i need

whenever im on a date and it gets quiet i just point at a building and say “thats my ancestral home”

carter hambley add these to ur records.

1st Annual Imitation Crab Boil was a massive success until that shootout with the FDA

it’s so fucked that i have to work 3 separate food service jobs just to cover my 12 bodyguards

the doctors are once again pumping my stomach out of jealousy

An amazing new friend just texted me some of the best news ever

im the guy who pulls bodies out of the river, and ive noticed a startling pattern: they are all wet and gross

[on a date with a milennial] u know personally i wish sex could be mid-century modern

today more than ever

jimmy carter if ur gonna stick around make your ass useful let us test MAKEUP on u

pissing in here >>>

girl on hinge told me i look ticklish. anybody need anything from the rope store

*using a megaphone in my car alone* and on ur left you'll see a beautiful middle aged man waiting to cross the street

this photo is so confrontational.....you just know these two have crazy beef..

[being left at the altar] haha, she’s probably shitting.. blowin it up from the back. a fat shit i’m sure. haha yuppppp. that’s my girl

personally i wouldve showed up to d-day a little early to play with the sand

vegetarian or not, i bet it feels cool to shoot a raw steak with a gun