For anyone working from home with kids at home...

Remember when we used to say, “I wish the weekends could last forever”? And now they do... but not in that good way.

Working from home Me: When you taking your lunch break today? Wife: Maybe 12:30? Me: I will too. You thinking what I'm thinking? Wife: Oh yeah, can't wait. 12:31: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The kids started calling each other idiots yesterday, and considering I'm their teacher now, it's probably true.

Ode to Coronawife: She wore the sweats to take the nap, She took the nap to forget the shot, She took the shot to chase the wine, She drank the wine to catch the Pepto, She swallowed the Pepto to ease the pie, I don't know why she swallowed an entire pie, perhaps she'll die.

After much careful deliberation, I have come to a very difficult decision. The economic realities and threats to well-being of the current crisis has pushed us to this most unfortunate place. Effective immediately, our children are hereby furloughed until further notice.

Me marching back in to work after six weeks at home.

You think your mom’s passive-aggressive? Mine made me a face mask that I can’t breathe through.

After you become a parent, you can say you're retired because it's just an abbreviated form of really tired.

One of my kids just stopped caring what colors his plates and cups are, and I guess what I'm saying is, never give up on your dreams. Because they CAN come true.

You know all those moms who normally say they just want to spend the day with their families for Mother's Day? I wonder what they want this year?

Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.

If you’re a mom and not rage cleaning your house so you can “relax” tomorrow, is it even the Saturday before Mother’s Day?

So much for telling my kids “I’m older and wiser.” Thanks to homeschooling, my kids just know I’m old

Sometimes, I look at my kids with a sense of pride. Other times, they complain that their waffles are too "waffley" and I long to hear Maury say those five magic words.

Dear "Influencers," If you're a Mom and have a white couch, carpet or shirt, I'm out. You clearly are not my people.