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When someone says "you're such a dork" it's like I'm getting a pat on the back knowing they 'get' me

Most of my posts are based on real life conversations... in my head.

Nothing says “America” like setting things on fire while emotionally avoiding everything.

I'm complicated Restless and lazy

Explain it to me like i'm old and don't give a shit

Golf pro shop can get me off in 30 minutes. What have you done for me lately

Currently watching the neighbors spend thousands of dollars on fireworks. Every year. It's great!

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Some days you eat 20 tacos and drink margaritas. It's called balance.

I will never understand people's fascination with their ancestry. Isn't knowing your current family bad enough

I've been working out and I look weird

Yeah but it's a joyful rage

I'm sorry for how mean I was when I was slightly overstimulated

i'm actually a lifelong unlearner. every day i get dumber and dumber and dumber like my life depends on it

Accidentally hit reply all on " You can lick my balls" Looks like I am retired

Of all the words that are the saddest "it might have been." Of all the words that are the happiest. "Take off your pants"