I've searched the whole house and not a single donut in sight. This is some bullshit.

I hope my email finds your email and they fall in love

gentlemen, you need to make sure you have a category for wife whimsy in your budget

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re guarding your favorite pen.

that crispy diet coke will save you

“Not dishwasher safe” Yeah, okay pal, I’ll be the judge of that

i got a silly goose vibe that the serious geese don’t appreciate

Weirded out by homes with no pets. Like where is your creature

Why tf is Angel stadium parking $50 now?!

not really my cup of pee sorry

for whom the onion rings

sorry for having great tits & always being right I’ll tone it down

how sundays are supposed to be

3 coffees no lunch

walking up 1 flight of stairs and breathing like an english bulldog

man i just do not know how to act around warm bread

When I die, please cover my casket in my sticker collection that I bought but could never commit to applying on things