Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to have an upstairs ibuprofen bottle and a downstairs ibuprofen bottle.

Over the weekend, I saw a lot of mothers and daughters on the subway going to the Taylor Swift concert. And it’s neat, because they got to see me–a depressed man listening to a podcast about the JFK assassination. Those mothers and daughters are always going to remember that.

I love when my bank decorates for Christmas. Reminds me of that special night in Bethlehem.

Smart! This Woman Isn’t Having Kids Because They Would Fuck Up Her Spotify Wrapped: ow.ly/ym5x50Ukmpa

“I asked Santa for a real duck.” — My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

Cool! Mom Taking It Personally That You're in Therapy: ow.ly/5BJE50QneXA

love when a hotel has a piano in the lobby. should do that with other instruments too. holiday inn should have a tuba

Canadian Geese are always forgetting they’re birds. have some grace…show some elegance…u could go to Puerto Rico but instead ur screaming outside the bank

REPORT: Two-Year-Old Has More Passion for Trains Than You’ve Ever Had for Anything in Your Life: ow.ly/h2qQ50V39jl

telling my friends to send me a list of five things they accomplished at work last week a la Musk but it’s just because I’m curious about them and want to celebrate everything they do

How to Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on External Validation By Basing It on Your Daily Protein Intake Instead: ow.ly/Wy7h50V66zh

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff theonion.com/i-messed-up-at…

Nice! Woman Spends Half Her Workday Authenticating Her Identity to Different Apps: ow.ly/xePM50VpNrM

You’re right, I should “save money.” For my “future.” You sound insane right now

How to Smell an Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Without Remembering Who You Once Were: ow.ly/bVCX50VGHPc

Woman Who Found Moments of Joy in Everyday Life Unfortunately in Severe Credit Card Debt: ow.ly/6zx150VKJRQ

CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak theonion.com/cdc-officials-…

Woman Feral at Sight of $32 Trinket Dish: ow.ly/uNPo50WEN3P

Study Finds Joy of Buying Lunch Outweighs Devastating Financial Consequences: ow.ly/xlip50WOsQL

I LIVED IT: The Deposit I Was Waiting for Is Actually Already Reflected in My Current Balance: ow.ly/KrOM50Xc9IT