Me: I’ll have the caesar salad and he’ll have the steak rare My date (a T. rex): ROOOOAAAAAAAARRRR Me: Oh, and could you cut up his steak for him? Because.... you know T. rex: *attempts to wipe tear from eye* ᴿᵒᵃʳ

There's no holiday celebrating whoever invented sandwiches that get dipped in gravy so who do we talk to about this

I’m sorry you’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a hat

My dog seems to be purposely unlearning things she already knew just to spite me…. I mean I do forgive her a bit because she is on her period but still…

I’m looking at you, Jesus.

Making people at the park uncomfortable by calling every dog I see a DILP (dog I'd like to pet)

Me: I don’t know where I stand with you Landmine: …Left a bit

Two of children are technically “adults” now… Which basically means I still have to buy and cook their food, buy and wash their clothes, book their taxis and doctors appointments, but I don’t get the single person council tax discount anymore.

sorry can't I'm very busy (lying on my bed for the next hour wrapped in a towel and scrolling on my phone until I inevitably drop it on my face)

#NewProfilePic

Top five bands that your parents inherited to you… I’ll go first Queen The Beatles The Eagles Simon & Garfunkel Elton John