by the age of 30 you should have contemplated if sports gambling is your only path to retirement

summer date idea: fly out to banff national park for a hike and then get obliterated at the most beautiful chilis

glad you made it safely, i’m home now too. have a great night

by 7pm you should have had a couple beers and gotten change for the pool table

no context travel pic

i don’t know how many first dates i have left in me were either getting married or get outta my face

norm macdonald just thought of the funniest joke from beyond the grave

i had a nice time tonight on our date but it’s just best if i continue to commit to my twitter bits by staying single but i wish you the best!

the second it hits 70 degrees outside

yes I work a full-time job. yes I’m on Twitter every waking moment of my life. we exist

a relationship is not enough i need to be married to a beautiful wife with a 5 month old and slide into every girls dms

me solar eclipse

🤝

last about a minute
4 minutes if you’re lucky

(derogatory) you seem like the type i usually go for

some girl in this coffee shop just randomly shouted “is there a mike in here?” and a guy two tables over said he was mike and i thought they were meeting for a date but she goes “can i get your hotspot password”

i don’t follow people i haven’t fucked actually

heard there was a 4.8 in new york and thought of you