Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas? Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

When you die, your hoodies are redistributed to all of your exes.

Wheel of fortune but to determine how much you owe in taxes.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

Let's make this go viral! I’m so excited to announce that my first book, 'The Maguire Method' is now available for purchase. For those who have rocked with me for years or you’re new here, I’ve dedicated much of my life to providing creative inspiration, entrepreneurial support,

Group assignments are important because that's where you learn that everybody else is an idiot and if you want a good grade, you have to do everything yourself. That was the lesson, right?

I need a school spirit day that’s called My Parents Didn’t Read That Email.

There are so many bots on here now, every time I gain a new follower I send them four photos and ask "which of these is a traffic light?" before I follow back.

Resisting the urge to chant “chug chug chug” as my kid slowly sips his cough medicine

One day you’re young and cool and the next thing you know you’re dusting your baseboards because people are coming over.

he’s a 10 but abbreviates the word you

Curious George never asked one question. The lies are endless.

my favorite holiday tradition is explaining the rules of a new board game my family never wanted to play in the first place

What I love about American politics is the calm, gentle rational approach everyone has to it. The utter logic and intelligence. Awesome.

"Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas." - The Three Wise Men

I hope this email finds you in a smoky room, the smell of wine and cheap perfume.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.