The unemployment leaving my body after I pull myself up by my bootstraps

I was really a 20 year old lifeguard at this pool every day like “yup everyone you’re safe with me here”

Me: If I win you have to go on a date with me 😉 Her:

Can you all please help me gaslight Mike Ryan into thinking it’s 2020

The Pfizer vaccine has Friday energy and the Moderna vaccine has November energy. Likes and retweets please

“You’re good, you’re good, you’re good...”

Having your work-week Friday on a Monday is like showing up to the bar at 5am

Boss just wrote me up because I won’t stop saying “Heyy vsauce Michael here” when guests arrive

Got it from the source

It costs zero dollars to retweet this and help a young artist

That’s what they all say before they meet Howard

Vince Vaughn entrance for WSOP Main Event 2022

I order fajitas just for the attention

My birthday? Today? Haha sorry I had no idea, my wife usually handles that stuff

*to every girl I see tonight* oh yeah, Rihanna is back bitch

When people say they are stomach sleepers this is what I imagine

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"Why should there be only one good friday. Let's try our best to make all the Fridays good. Thank you" -a quote i invented which made me cry