Call her Meredith (doctor) the way she greys (looks) at my anatomy (fungal infection)

Me telling my parents I was running away as a kid only to walk around the block a few times

Slept in a hotel room with my parents last night and discovered my father snores like every breath is his last and I didn’t sleep a wink out of fear of his death. Do with this information what you will.

When my friends say I should stop drinking so I order two more beers

Microdosing the minions by admitting I’m under 6ft

The Bear but instead of his brother killing himself he died when the shit from Dave Matthew’s Bands tour bus hit his boat in the Chicago River

Me going to my silly little assistants job where I do everything my boss tells me every day

Saying “ok purr” to every choice when selecting my grandmas bedazzled coffin🔥🔥

Can’t believe they call it House of Dragons…they can’t even fit inside…

Hey guys, don’t recognize my Halloween costume? Haha it’s a tik tok from 2019, don’t worry I’ll bring a printed picture of a screenshot of it around with me all night so you know. It’s a funny costume becaus

Hunting and gathering the way my ancestors did (going to a mall)

*to every girl I see tonight* oh yeah, Rihanna is back bitch

We've partnered with LMNT to give away a variety pack of their delicious electrolytes! Must be following us to win - enter by: 🔸 Like & retweeting this tweet for 1 entry 🔸 Tagging someone for 2 entries 🔸 Subscribing to our YouTube & reply with a screenshot for 3 entries

CONGRATS TO OUR FIRST WINNER Pat Weber !!! We will DM you with details. We will be selecting TWO more winners a week from tonight! We are collecting entries until Saturday, May 6 at 8pm EST.

Writers will begin striking today, you can support the strikers by donating below to help supply food, drink & other necessities to those on the picket lines… dsa-la.org/snacklist

Bro I can’t hang out tonight, political machinations have torn my family asunder, I’ll text you tomorrow

Theater workers going up against the Barbenheimer crowds this weekend

Nice vexation bro. Good luck fathoming it later.

We are teaming up with Apple Original Films to offer you & a guest tickets to attend an exclusive IMAX screening of ‘F1: THE MOVIE’ this Friday at AMC Century City 15 at 7pm! Damson Idris, Kerry Condon & director Joseph Kosinski will also be doing a Q&A at the event.   Retweet & follow