how to excel in business by putting your personal well being as your lowest priority

boomer: you’re lazy

millennial: you ruined the economy

gen z: tf is an encyclopedia britannica

My state's Senate just voted to ban people from wearing masks in public for health reasons. Just yeet me across the border oops just as bad there better throw me into space I guess

Have you tried buying a daisy print sundress about it?

ok, so let's brainstorm: without using dating apps, where should single people meet each other?

That nothing is as powerful as your human to human relationships.

Tonight I discovered that my daughter, who is 17, has lived her whole life believing that the name of the singer of The Rolling Stones is McJagger.

For someone who can't find the toy I just threw for her, my dog often acts like she's trying to alert me that Timmy is stuck in the well.

and whatever you are is the new what i need

not to brag or anything but I can make my wife angry just by letting out a deep breath.

this checks out

Whomever it was that 'let the dogs out' should not be your primary concern. There are dogs everywhere. Corral the dogs. Stop blaming. Solve.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall. Rake the leaves. Fill that second soap dispenser. Sweep the garage. If you finish before lunch I'll have some additional tasks for you.

“can think for herself”

So he’s just not into women, and that’s okay.

I mean, that technically rules out *checks notes* the entirety of the human population pretty much, right? 😂

- Existing/taking up space

hashtag goals

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.