“Getting off on the wrong foot” is when you have a very specific fetish but poor aim

a group of steves is called an urkel

a collection of antivaxers is called a morgue

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil. Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet? Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

A cassette compilation of The Monkees and Gorillaz must surely be the ultimate mixed ape.

I don’t like you vs I dislike you have totally different emotions.

Bartender: how would you like your scotch? Lighthouse Keeper: off the rocks

the certainty with which white men say things is really a thing to behold. i say this with certainty as a white man.

oh shit. it’s all over.

I'm having a "spoil myself" day After days of doing nothing I deserve this

Lady Cthulhu of the School for Witchcraft and Seamonstery taught me everything I know

that moment of fear when you think a flush might not go down

I just feel like the Olympics would be more exciting and get better ratings if maybe once a day a fight broke loose

me: 🎵hey little thing, let me light your candle, cause, mama, i’m sure hard to handle now, gets around everyone else at the birthday party:

Therapist: so what do you do to relax? Me: well I try to sneak off to the bathroom by myself at least once a week

[at a restaurant] Waiter! This fork is dirty! It's disgusting! Get me another one! [At home] *Eats girls ass*

Every time a coffee maker finishes brewing and gurgles, an angel gets it's wings.

What keeps me coming back is seeing what new and exciting object someone can put in their butt...🤗 #NotAllHeroesWearCapes