Best part of getting home from a trip is getting to poop in your own bathroom again

If you add me to your close friends list on insta I will 180% cry immediately when I realize it

Someone explain to me how I had thoughts like “yeah I love him and want to marry him but it’s weird cause like, I always kind of saw myself marrying a woman” and still didn’t know I was gay 😂😂

How do you say “I can’t understand you while this water on my desk is fizzling so aggressively” in neurotypical

It’s 2022. Why haven’t we figured out how to listen to videos on our phones while also playing music through a Bluetooth speaker yet

These stories out of Highland Park about kids knowing exactly what to do when the shooting began, and guiding parents based on their active shooting drills, embody the burden of violence this next generation of kids endure because of the inaction of their elders

having plants can be amazing but sometimes they’re flopping when you’re flopping and it’s just like jesus christ someone in this house needs a win

one thing I like about wfh is I can have my gastrointestinal issues at my own pace

the founding fathers literally didn’t even know germs existed and we’re still supposed to use their government? ew

Every day in America since 2016:

Can you believe she lets ME touch her butt?

A classic from a suspended account. I think about it and die laughing every time

Found one @_cbeat 💅

All this “Squirt is pee” “Squirt isn’t pee” discourse… Squirt is a caffeine-free, citrus-flavored, carbonated soft drink, created in 1938 in Phoenix, Arizona.

I always thought my love language was words of affirmation but turns out I just have a praise kink

this is my emotional manipulation dog. he gaslights and undermines me at every opportunity

my fav part about dating another autistic person is we’ll be having a whole deep ass convo just staring off into space in opposite directions no eye contact to be found

taking a bath is the human version of “imma let that one soak”