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If Kid Rock sees his shadow tomorrow, we’ll have six more weeks of Daytona 500

got a new house plant today. it’s high-maintenance, always demanding water and sunlight, and can't survive without constant attention. reminds me a lot of my ex, actually. at least the plant doesn't leave passive-aggressive notes

What is it called when you keep brushing your teeth and keep forgetting that you have brushed them?

My husband's so handy around the house. Just this morning, he took down the Christmas tree.

Choose to distance yourself from people who will blame you for why they harmed you .

One day you’re a cool Gen X kid in the 90s, the next you’re a 40-something parent trying to figure out wtf ‘skibidi ohio sigma rizzler’ means.

I notice you have ivy growing on your house. Is this Pemberley?

These strange times just keep getting stranger.

Where do the ghosts of dinosaurs roam...

The noises speak once they get the action going but any analysis of players or intent comes up silent, the what was that indeed paradox

Looking for care and comfort and getting insults instead.

Here’s a simple guide to voting: 1. Vote.

No no babe, you ask before you touch my MERICA boxers.

With the right linemates anything is possible

Calories are the currency you spend to indulge in food.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens. Him: That explains the flies.

Just made a bowl of caesar dressing from scratch and now I’m having a leaf of lettuce with it

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Be the tweet you'd like to see in the world.