I don't know what my husband is planning for Mother's Day but I sure hope it involves me sleeping all day.

Save money by turning your high rise jeans into low rise jeans by gaining 20 pounds. You're welcome.

Comedy legend Jerry Seinfeld finally goes FULL BLAST on Left’s destruction of comedy:

“This is the result of the extreme left, and PC crap, and people worrying so much about offending other people.”

This moment is powerful.

WHOA WHOA !!! slow the fuck down, I want to hear every last detail about how your weekend went I’m on the edge of my fucking seat

I have the paper towel habit of a much richer man.

If illegals aren’t voting in our elections, why do you care if we make it illegal?

Went through the 10-items-or-less lane with 12 items and I've never felt so fucking alive.

I wish April showers brought something more useful. Like tacos.

reaching the age where you leave the house not giving a shit what you look like is when your real life begins

Imagine sex with me. No, more Peeps.

Daylight Saving Time:

Because parenting with that extra hour was just too easy.

I hate when everyone thinks I’m going to make dinner just because I’m the mom.

Saw a Target ad touting their ladies body suits & I laughed & laughed & then

I ordered a pizza

For anyone who says parents can’t have fun on Friday nights, I'm drinking wine & folding towels right now.

So, yeah, you're right.

Twitter is fun because you can make a joke about butter and then people will be mean to you.

Ever meet someone so similar to yourself that you immediately hate them?

inspector at the baby carrot factory: ok first of all these need to be MUCH wetter

I’ve never had a pizza that wasn’t personal, honestly.

A dozen of your finest red roses…and $20 on pump 7, my good man

I don’t know who needs to hear this but don’t ever answer your phone on the way home.

They want you to stop at the store.