Sorry I peed while we were in the shower together during asparagus season.

I’m not a doctor, but I prescribed myself a gin and tonic

With all the bad news these last few years, what this country needs is a good baby in a well story

Apparently sleeping is not my greatest skill.

Stacie and Dave are Invincible 💙💚 Let Me Get to Know You by Hajaj • You’re welcome. youtu.be/zW4O1FPT3Ds?si…

I don't care if you celebrate it or not, Merry Christmas

I don't mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck.

The sex was going great until my note cards got out of order.

Well... I've been in denial but that day has come. I have to lean against something to put my pants on.

My secret to coming up with loads of posts every single day is to have absolutely no quality control whatsoever. Thank you for following!

When I play Monopoly I'm always the iron

I only have free radio in my car and i have to say, i find it very difficult to believe you people want to hear Hotel California and Tom Petty this often

Is a "fat chance" and a "slim chance" the same thing?

Sorry I’m late I was scrolling to my birth year.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they like a side-by-side refrigerator.

I only buy medications that are endorsed by The Fonz

Corrects your grammar during sex

Not to brag but I was alive before the internet.

No matter what you hear on Fox News, immigrants are good for the economy and our society. Watch.