Sorry just listening to The Proclaimers’ greatest hits, be there in 7 minutes and 27 seconds.

When the waiter is like “how is everything?” and I’m like “fuck me bruv I’m just tryna eat my sausages I’m not Neil deGrasse Tyson”

Dress codes are so passive aggressive. ‘I’d like to see you but jesus christ please look nicer.’

Lots of hype on social media about ‘being your authentic self’ lately. Which is shockingly bad advice in many cases.

Adopt an ex-racist greyhound

Got five minutes free if anyone needs anything normalised

Did creepy fellas get wolf-whistling from old cartoons or did old cartoons get it from creepy fellas? Has it ever worked out for them? Like has a lady walking past a building site ever gone “you know what that was good”

They’re people too. Just like you and me. They have feelings. They just happen to be in the grips of a very addictive, very toxic product that rots them from the inside. It could happen to anyone. It’s time to change the narrative on people who watch Married At First Sight.

How dare you be good at parkour and not fight crime

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Omnipotent cunce love a bubble bath

Spice Up Your Life is a banger innit

Listening to my daughter belting out Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’ and feeling empowered on her behalf and singing the backing vocals in support of whatever adversity this six year old might be overcoming. Proper father-daughter flex. 👁 🐅

Going to a therapist and a psychic, therapist tells me what to do and then I go to the psychic to check if I end up doing those things

Me: are you sure? Wife: it’s definitely “da” Me: I’ve been saying “the” all this time Wife: yeah it’s Leonardo da Vinci

Boat shoes? How a boat shoe fuck off

We always end up saying goodbye to em on the internet just slightly after they die hey. ‘Farewell prince ph- Ahhh shit just missed him fuckinell’

Wishing prince philip a speedy recovery

are the people of Hawaii mad at the shit white people have put the Ukulele through?

sometimes i say "facts" after not really listening