I had my physical today and feeling pretty good about it. My doctor said I'm as healthy as a man twice my age.

I sometimes forget that Einstein was actually a professor. I wonder if he had any bad students. He'd explain "Energy equals Mass multiplied by the speed of light squared," and some hockey player from the back of class would be like "yeah, whatever, we get it dude."

I like when people have food nicknames. It's easy to understand the connotation. Dude named "Beefcake" means he's a hunk. Dude named "T-Bone" means he's a badass. Dude named "Campbell's Chunky Chicken Jambalaya" means he has a funny story about soup.

Does adrenochrome cure hangovers?

open.spotify.com/episode/7BloZO… @andrewWcomedy and ryan kahl visited me a couple weeks ago to read some jokes and the world will never be the same *world's change may not relate to recording of this episode, and change may happen years from now.

Liam Neeson needs to stop making those Taken movies. Maybe make one called “Given Back.” You know, where his daughter is Given Back instead? In this movie, is there a bomb in her belly? You bet!

Andrew Christian Wiggins. Andrew Christian Wiggins. He plays basketball. That’s right, BASKETBALL. Doesn’t sound very Christian to me.

He who builds his house on sand is a fool. He who builds his house on a rock is wise. He who builds his house on hotdogs, probably lives on some kind of island made of hot dogs.

If sand was metal, those guys on beach with metal detectors would have a god damn field day.

What are the odds that Bezos with Blue Origin is literally attempting to create a space force powerful enough to dominate earth?

I saw Jesus’s face in a piece of toast this morning. I had to use jelly to make the beard and hair, but still pretty neat.

Just finished a 7.5 mile run in 93 degree weather. I haven’t sweat this much since my sentencing.

Saw this and can’t stop thinking about how much better I am at making plans than God

I hate Alex Jones too but this will have a chilling effect on free speech. After the next school shooting some people might think twice before they start harassing the victims and accuse them of being actors in order to sell brain pills

Got some new dates up: puxhub.com/joecomedy

This is a brilliant illustration of just how stupid and morally bankrupt are the arguments of people pushing Ukraine to negotiate with russia. You cannot negotiate with someone who came to kill you.

I wonder who the word “the” was named after. I bet they were a pretty big deal.

I’m so lazy that I can get a runners high lying down on the couch, smoking weed.

I keep having this recurring nightmare of all my teeth coming out. I’m starting to suspect it’s because I’m anxious about this big appointment I have with my dentist where he’s going to pull out all my teeth.

Writing stupid shit here: zannal.com/book/1/chapter…