I promise you that I'll handle this discreetly. * Walks away in light up shoes *

Me: I want to be attractive Genie: can't be done Me I want Tupperware with lids that actually fit Genie: *sigh* Lets try that first thing I guess

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Help Envy's Son Fight Cancer gofundme.com/help-envys-son…

If you don’t have at least one 80’s playlist we probably can’t be friends.

According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Depression is everything you can't say.

What doesn’t kill you has a lock of your hair.

I'll take your secret to the grave, where I'll then air it live on national TV.

*seductively straddles Santa's lap *voluntarily goes on the naughty list

I never know where to clip my phone during sex.

“You can stare as long as you want, I’m not sharing” - me about to give my dog half of my sandwich

If you didn't make anyone smile today, I kinda feel bad for you.

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*