Troy Austin (@itoonrants) 's Twitter Profile
Troy Austin

@itoonrants

Back up account for @itoonofficial

ID: 406674901

linkhttps://linktr.ee/itoonofficial calendar_today07-11-2011 01:33:13

50 Tweet

10,10K Followers

101 Following

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Mormon soaking is wild—imagine going through all that effort just to find a loophole in God’s rulebook, like He’s some lazy substitute teacher that won’t notice! #rant #soaking #mormon #funny #wtf #sex #bedroomtalk #religion

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50 Shades of Grey is just Twilight for people who thought, “You know what this vampire romance needs? HR violations. #50shadesofgrey #movies #rant #standup

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Vegas is the only place where you can lose your money, dignity, and memory in one night—and somehow wake up married to a stranger with an Elvis impersonator as your witness! #Vegas #rant #comedy #standup

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Horoscopes are wild—like, “You’ll face challenges today”—mate, I didn’t need the stars to tell me that, I just opened my email and checked my bank account! #horoscopes #truth

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Birds aren’t real, mate—think about it: they charge on power lines, they always watch you from creepy angles, and you’ve never seen a baby pigeon because they’re too busy uploading your data to the cloud! #conspiracy #rant

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Mini bars are just legalised robbery in a tiny fridge—twenty bucks for a can of Coke? Mate, at that price, I want the CEO of Coca-Cola to serve it to me personally! #traveling #rant #truth #showerthoughts

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Gym memberships are brilliant—you pay every month to feel guilty about not going, and when you finally do, you spend half the time wondering if everyone’s judging your squats or your choice of activewear! #gymlife #rant #showerthoughts

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Self-checkouts are wild—I’m scanning my own groceries, bagging them, paying full price, and the machine still has the nerve to say, “Unexpected item in the bagging area.” Mate, yeah, it’s my will to live! #showerthoughts

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Giving out your bank account details these days is like handing your house keys to a bloke in a ski mask and saying, “Just water the plants while you’re robbing me, cheers!” #showerthoughts

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Billionaires are just people who looked at having everything and thought, “Yeah, but what if I also bought the moon… just to park my ego?” #showerthoughts