Some days it’s all pain and no gain.

It takes a lot of strength to say nothing.

"This is bullshit." - me, talking about most everything

Just to be clear my only friend is a Bigfoot and I’m ok with that.

Christmas party? That’s exactly why I moved 600 miles away, sorry can’t make it this year.

7 beers in, sitting on my recliner, covered with a blanket, and watching Bigfoot documentaries........ Just a normal Saturday night.

If the world is going to end, I at least hope there’s gonna be zombies.

Every time a woman says she's fine the theme song from Jaws should start playing

A nice young man named Tim just offered to walk around behind me holding my boobs at all times. You should all be more like Tim.

Now middle aged Teenage Mutant Turtles have 2 kids and are pretending to be single on twitter.

I call bullshit on your “might delete later” pic. We all know you’re just looking for attention.

On a positive note, I haven’t been inside a Walmart since March.

I do as little as possible as much as possible.

All of life’s lessons can be learned by watching the Hallmark channel.

I’ve started collecting antiques. Do I need to apply, or is my AARP card automatically sent to me?

you wouldn’t like me I’m from old twitter

I’m way too excited about this new toothbrush…..it’s not like it’s a new spatula or something!

If you ask me, not enough people rue the day, anymore.

No. I'm not high or drunk. Believe it or not, this is my personality...

You say stalker. I say excellent research skills. Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.